Friends of the Show Episode 21 with Kellen Schneider AKA @CaptainKalvis!
“If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.” – Mark Twain
Kellen Schneider is a cool young gentleman from Iowa, also online who has a lot of funny to provide, he gives it to us in tweets, in longer form writing on Funny or Die and in live improv performances around town. He will be moving to LA later this year to pursue a dream of making comedy, and I for one am excited and wish him the best of luck in this new chapter of his life, the short hair period.
Check out his Funny or Die page
Kellen’s Story: Three Tequila Shots, Two Italian Women, and One Dead Train
ME: 34 across says ‘breakfast drink if it lived in Springfield’
HER: Try OJ Simpson
ME: *rubbing my temples* christ Sharon they already did
— The Captain Now (@captainkalvis) March 5, 2017
[as the bride walks down the aisle i tap the priest on the shoulder] is that her
— The Captain Now (@captainkalvis) May 26, 2017
WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
— The Captain Now (@captainkalvis) March 31, 2017
*standing over my origami ducks* "GO AROUND! GO AROUND!"
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 29, 2015
From Thom AKA @Barknado69
[first day as surgeon]
Me: your husband…. he *finger guns* didn't make it
— thom (@Barknado69) June 15, 2017
From FRIEND OF THE SHOW TOM @trojansauce
[skipping stones on lake]
DATE: it's such a beautiful evening
ME: *whispering* take that you fucking lake
— tomsauced™ (@trojansauce) November 24, 2015
From our friend Josh
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
Questions from Twitter
From Friend of the Show Mike Bigby @MikeBigby
— big mikeby (@MikeBigby) August 11, 2017
From aforementioned Friend of the Show TOM @trojansauce
would you rather, everytime you talk it had to be through a kazoo or that your nose was really baggy so you had to lift it up to eat or talk
— tomsauced™ (@trojansauce) August 12, 2017
From Friend of the show Timmy @TheTimmyToes
1: colons or dashes or parentheses for list numbering?
2 – ankle socks or crew socks? Knee socks?
3) the worst breakfast cereal is?
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) August 13, 2017
From the lovely and hilarious Isabel @IsabelZawtun
If you could physically fight any celebrity (no chance of legal repercussions) who would it be and why?
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) August 13, 2017
Since you're a pirate – is it true that the real treasure is the friends you make along the way?
— bun (@eminmien) August 13, 2017
Thanks to Kellen for joining us this week!